The Monkey Exhibit

(Tonight is a good night to nab posts from commenting on other people’s sites.)

Buttercup: You can’t hurt me. Westley and I are joined by the bonds of love. And you cannot track that, not with a thousand bloodhounds, and you cannot break it, not with a thousand swords.

Brian is a conundrum to modern science. I’d like to think I am, too:

I’ve been married over 8 years. I’ve know my wife for about 9 years. Every time I see her is still like the first. I still catch myself just staring at her eyes as she talks, or listening to the sound of her voice instead of what she’s saying. I’m still hopelessly, madly in love, and I love the fact that I can say that.

When we were first married, some co-workers told me that my infatuation would fade. All I can say is that I’ve never exactly been like most other people.

I was going to finish that last part up with “read it and weep,” but I’m afraid some might actually do that. I don’t want to make people feel bad for their love lost. Not any worse than they’ll already feel reading this.

Let’s keep it up, shall we? Who’s with us?

Kevin says 2008 is behind us like dead body of a freshly killed squirrel.

Me…I don’t know…it seems like 2008 is still holding on to life, like the squirrel you clipped with your car but is still back there on the road running in circles because you only paralyzed its entire right side. Soon, though, bodily functions will begin to shut down, the squirrel will have trouble breathing, and its last desperate breaths will be punctuated by bursting bubbles of blood coming from its pathetically gasping mouth.

Or maybe it’s just me.

Sunday afternoons find me feeling sleepy. If I don’t take a nap, I’m kind of spacey at night. If I do take a nap, I find it difficult to get to sleep on Sunday night. Which makes me tired on Monday morning. Which causes me to drink caffeinated products. Which makes it difficult to sleep at night.

The cycle repeats itself until Saturday, when I can normally sleep as much as I want.

I don’t like driving in the dark. I’m not sure I ever really have. Highway driving in the dark isn’t too big of a deal; it’s the main road driving I’m not too fond of.

Here’s what I don’t like: lack of depth perception.

Have you ever tossed around a football in the evening and, as the night comes on and the sky darkens, the ball gets harder and harder to see? At one point it bashes you in the face because you didn’t get your hands up in time. You misjudged the ball’s location. Poor depth perception at night.

I have that same problem with driving. When I need to make a left-hand turn onto my street at night, I can never tell how far away the car is that’s coming straight toward me. Most of the time I end up waiting to turn. By the time the car goes by me, I could have turned two or three times.

Then you have the walkers and the bikers, the people who are supposed to be wearing something reflective but might not actually be. The can be coming at you, walking ahead of you, anything, and you can’t tell. It’s dark out. And guess who would get in trouble if you accidentally hit them.

I think I used to be one of those people. I never worried about wearing reflective markings. I could see if cars were coming or not, and I wasn’t about to let them hit me. How naive.

I’m sure you have some night driving stories or suggestions. Please share.

Today we’ll gather at my mother’s house to celebrate her 50th birthday (though it actually occurred on Christmas Eve). My uncle has made a casket, and my aunt bought a coffin-shaped cake. My aunt is writing a eulogy, and my sister is also writing something special to read at the fake wake. Here’s my offering.

Today we come to put closure on a special time in life,
Be you mother, father, sister, daughter, cousin, man, or wife.
We say goodbye to the fabulous forties, 10 years of our lives
But, like all things in life, the forties had to die.
It saw two weddings, two grandchildren, and an NP degree,
Many vacations, much national travel, and a car or three.
Now we wrestle with our sadness, and steel against all fears
Of seeing once again the feisty pumpkin hair in coming years.
So gather round the casket, help lay the forties to their rest
And join us looking forward, knowing the 50’s will be best.

In my house, Christmas morning is kept open for our household to celebrate together. Currently that’s just me and my wife, but I’m constantly reminded that this could be subject to change sometime in the next few years. You never know.

Christmas afternoon, my father- and sister-in-law always come over for Christmas dinner (lunch?). I’ve already gone over what I got from him and from her. Below is what my astute wife got me.

From the stocking:
A Screaming Monkey Slingshot from ThinkGeek.com. We’ve found how to slingshot him, but not how to make him scream. Perhaps a bit of torture is in order to get the vocal chords warmed up. Also, I need a good name for a monkey that screams and shoots like a slingshot. Any ideas?

A Snickers bar. We’ll keep this little secret to ourselves, shall we? (The Snickers has been successfully placed in the fridge. I like them better chilled.)

A Wal*Mart sized bag of Child’s Playtime candy. As opposed to the monstrous Sam’s Club sized bag. That would probably kill me. I love Dots and flavored Tootsie Rolls.

The book Sneaky Uses for Everyday Things from ThinkGeek.com. This is going to be cool.

A box of generic Lactaid. A necessity, unfortunately. Or at least it will be once we get some more ice cream in this house.

A three-pack of strawberry ChapStick. I use this stuff all the time. I like to keep it everywhere. I keep one in my pants pocket (with my fingernail clippers), one on my nightstand, and one in my car console (when I have enough extra). Have you noticed how hard it is to reach into your pants pocket when you’re sitting down driving?

From under the tree:
Laser Guided Scissors from ThinkGeek.com. I really could have used these this week while I was wrapping presents!

The Dice Are Trying to Kill Me t-shirt from ThinkGeek.com. It’s been a while since I’ve rolled the dice, but this should impress my geek friends when next I see them.

Lined Nike wind pants. These are good for shoveling the yard, but not so good for playing basketball (say). I’ve been looking for the non-lined version for a couple years now, but it’s like they don’t even make them anymore. What’s up with that?

An extra-soft, Geoffrey Beene, (argyle?) sweater from TJ Maxx. I hope she didn’t use the credit card!

And finally, the large present…in cost if not in size. A Card Type Digital Voice Recorder from ThinkGeek.com. I have wanted a digital voice recorder for years. I seem to constantly be somewhere without a pen and paper when inspiration strikes. Now I will never be without. This is awesome, and completely unexpected considering the budget we had allotted ourselves. Your wife knows what you want, though, fellas. Trust them.

All the ThinkGeek presents can be attributed to Eric. He’s the one who pointed me toward the website when he showed me the Inigo Montoya t-shirt, which I immediately ordered (of course) and receive the ThinkGeek magazine with my order.

Remember, I’m looking for a name for my screaming slingshot monkey!

From my household to yours, we hope you have a wonderful Christmas.

Tuesday, December 22nd: We went to my in-laws. To help remember, I’ll list presents received from oldest to youngest in the house.

Ted Dekker’s Chosen, Infidel, and Chaos. That leaves me with only having to find Renegade. Sweet. For some reason I didn’t get these as they came out like I do with all of Ted’s other books. I think it might be because they are young adult and not in the section of the bookstore where I find his other books. That’s just a theory.

Ted Dekker’s Adam. Yes, as you can tell from reading above, I already have it. No, it wasn’t on my list again. Whatever, though. It’s a kind of extended version with an extra chapter and an interview at the end. I guess it’s time to read it again.

Faded Glory long sleeve dark blue shirt (rather like long john material). I wore a light blue one to the house that night. How ironic. Good call.

Big Daddy Weave’s newest CD, What Life Would Be Like. (I’m not sure how to properly list a CD…do I underline, italicize, or what?) Straight off the top of my list. I’ve listened to it a couple times through now. The Phil Collins song caught me unawares. There’s some good stuff and some mediocre stuff. I wish they wouldn’t have gotten away from using the sax so much. We miss it.

Carrying case for my digital camera. I have been wanting one of those for a while now. Krissy said I was pretty excited when I opened it. I carried the camera slung over my shoulder the rest of the night.

Saturday, December 20th: Yearly shopping trip sponsored by my father in law.

Polartec winter hat from Cabela’s in Scarborough. I only needed it for the day as I didn’t have either of my other hats on me, but I like this one. It makes a great third hat. Also, technically, I paid for it out of my checking account by mistake instead of using my Christmas money from my father in law. Oops.

Miniature globe from Delorme in Yarmouth. Two years ago I bought a huge wall map and didn’t get it actually framed until this last year. It was expensive to frame because it was so large. Last year I got a small translucent globe paperweight. This year, the mini globe. I think it will go well in the living room on one of the bookshelves.

Polartec driving gloves from LL Bean in Freeport. My old driving gloves were two years old, and this was one of the items on my list to buy this year. My previous gloves were a bit too small. These ones, the next size up, are a bit too large. I guess my hands are extra medium.

45″ hiking boot laces from LL Bean in Freeport. My LL Bean hiking boot laces herniated shortly after I got them (as a present?). I’ve been waiting all year to go buy replacement laces. I don’t want to hear any smart talk about having LL Bean outlet stores 12 and 25 minutes away. For some reason I waited for the yearly Bean trip. Oh well.

Timberland (MTSHASTA?) brown shoes from Timberland in Freeport. These were also on my list for the year as the ones I had were a couple years old and the soles were wearing thin. Other than that, they were still great shoes. I really like these shoes as they are comfortable, somewhat business, and somewhat leisure.

Tootsies, tootsies
Are toes on your footsies!

Stop beeping at me, microwave!

Have you ever noticed how fast two minutes can go by when you’re on the internet? I believe I’ve found the secret to time travel!

And my supper is done.

When nothing else comes to mind, talk about your boring life!

The garage wall is complete. There are only minor repercussions, like having incredible difficulty closing the back door to the garage. Nothing a saws-all won’t fix…

I have next week off to do Christmas shopping. It was a novel idea, and I love it. I’ve never taken time off for my shopping before. Now I’m looking forward to having the week to myself. All you recession-fearing losers can stay out of my way while I shop til I drop! Also I can sleep in if I want to.

That’s a good little update for now. I’m still wasting most of my free time on Facebook. Why not? I’ve reconnected with several old friends. And I waste a lot of time on stupid text-based games.

Later.

I ran as fast as I could through the dense jungle, my feet slipping and sliding over mossy roots. I was going so fast it didn’t matter; my feet only touched each surface for a split second. I didn’t have long to get away.

I slid under the roots of a fallen tree. It was the jungle, so take whatever size tree you’re thinking about and multiply it by five. At least.

I tried not to leave boot prints or I would be caught for sure.

As I wriggled my way further into the root system, I tried to slow my breathing. Sound would give me away more quickly than my tracks. I curled up behind a particularly large root and started breathing through my nose.

I counted to 100 before I could hear movement. There was the sound of very deliberate walking and of something sniffing the air. I didn’t stand a chance. They had followed me straight here.

I tried to make myself smaller behind the root, but I heard the crack of wood and a large hand reached around the root to grab me. It was over.

The gorilla set me down outside the fallen tree and blew its lips out at me. “You found me, Bumpai. You’re getting better at this. The gorilla took a banana out of my shirt pocket and broke it open, holding out half to share with me.

(In case I ever want to look back.)

Hanging hammock chair
Magazine subscription
Battery powered magnifying glass/lamp
Molasses cookies
Bin (bucket-o) whoopee pies and cash
Plate of whoopee pies
Sleeve of Mountain Dew
Borders gift card
Two Dilbert books (not Gilbert, as the bookstore clerk was apparently trying to help my aunt find…)
Sherman’s Lagoon treasury
Front door knocker
Long johns

All in all, an extremely good haul. More than I ever expected for such a non-event as the 33rd birthday. My sister will turn 25 next month, and my mother told her “a quarter of a century.” Well, I’m a third of a century. Funny how those things work out.

For other interesting age-related numbers, My mother is 16 years older than me. I’m 8 years older than my sister, who is 4 years older than my brother. So when he was 4 and she was 8, I was 16, and mom was 32.

I didn’t even know they made “Happy Birthday to my Underachiever Husband” cards!

Did you ever just want to sleep all day? No, I mean sometime when you weren’t depressed. Anyway, how come the bed’s so comfortable in the morning?

What? No, I haven’t been looking at your medical records. No, I just assumed you were depressed. And quite often, too,

What do you mean it’s none of my business? Are you around here moping all the time and complaining about how much your life sucks? See, there you go.

No, I’m not telling you to stop coming over. I’m telling you you have a problem.

No, I don’t have a problem with you coming over! You’re not listening!

Hey, I didn’t say you never listen. You’re just not doing it right now.

What? I’m not kicking you when you’re down. I mean, it’s not like anyone could kick you any other time…you’re never up…

Look, I…no, I…seriously now.

*sigh* Why don’t you just go home?

If you want to do the Facebook thing, I’m in. I’m slowly searching people out. It’s been rather a success. Feel free to send me a note.

I started because some people from work were talking about it and made it sound interesting. They generally gave a good impression. Then they flaked out.

I was invited to join a little text-based game and started spending more time on FB. If you befriend me, expect a request to join the game with me.

I have reconnected with old friends that I didn’t know how to get in touch with, so overall I consider FB to be a success even if I don’t ever find another productive use for it. But maybe I’ll see you around.

(When all else fails, write some fiction…)

The caves seemed to go on forever. As far as they could tell, the group had been heading roughly south for quite some time. That was the direction the cave system started in, and, though winding, it was the general direction the tunnels continued.

The enormous chamber, which had recently been filled with a goblin army, was a smelly mass of urine and excrement. Foul smelling puddles dotted the expansive floor. Piles of fecal matter littered not-so-private nooks. The stench would repulse a troll.

If the cave system really was spreading out to the south, that meant it opened up directly under Hobbly proper. The group found out for sure when they found a tunnel spiraling upward to the surface. The tunnel ended with a wooden door. No light shined around the edges.

“Here, let me listen,” Frendei offered. He snuck forward and set his ear against the door. He paused. “Nothing.”

“Let’s open it and find out what’s on the other side.” Dorian wasn’t too happy about traveling underground. “Llew, get ready in case there are more goblins around.”

The door opened with some difficulty. It seemed to be pushing something else out of the way, evidenced by a light rattling noise. Frendei thought it sounded like glass.

The party slid through the partially opened door, Llewellyn first with her sword drawn. They looked around. “Basement,” Dorian whispered.

“Alchemist, from what I see,” Frendei clarified. “See all those glass vials, flasks, and tubes? Also, looks like there are some finished concoctions over here.” He picked up a vial labeled “Trollbane.” “And newly made, too. Must be for me.”

Francis spoke up from the wall opposite the hidden door. “And who lives on the other side of the alchemist? I think this goes to Danica’s basement.” The hole wasn’t finished, but he could see into the cellar next door, with help from his flickering torch. “What, exactly, were these goblins planning, anyway?”

I’m slowly, very slowly, working through my do-nothing attitude that seems to have taken over. I’ve pretty much just been reading lately. Yesterday, though, I got myself up for a men’s breakfast and folded some laundry. Today I washed some dishes and typed up some loose ends on another great tale of danger and daring. I had been wanting to finish getting everything typed up. Now I am and my brain is fried. That’s why I didn’t finish before; I knew I’d be at the computer for a long time.

Now, back to my book!

Evil cannot stand up to a knight. I’ve seen them, coming into a town on business known only to them. There is a strange, otherworldly presence about a knight. There is a brilliance that exists even if his armor is dented and dulled.

Bullies, waiting in ambush to harass those who are too young…or too old…disappear when a knight arrives. So do the snakes and many beggars, which probably means something sinister.

The goodwives come out and try to catch his attention, waving handkerchiefs and calling well-wishes. Neighbors remain on the streets and mingle, putting aside their natural reticence and distrust, at least until the knight is out of view.

All this I have seen, and more, when a night rides into Moussillon.

BBC News:

Russian squirrel pack ‘kills dog’

Squirrels have bitten to death a stray dog which was barking at them in a Russian park, local media report.

Passers-by were too late to stop the attack by the black squirrels in a village in the far east, which reportedly lasted about a minute.

They are said to have scampered off at the sight of humans, some carrying pieces of flesh.

A pine cone shortage may have led the squirrels to seek other food sources, although scientists are sceptical.

The attack was reported in parkland in the centre of Lazo, a village in the Maritime Territory, and was witnessed by three local people.

A “big” stray dog was nosing about the trees and barking at squirrels hiding in branches overhead when a number of them suddenly descended and attacked, reports say.

“They literally gutted the dog,” local journalist Anastasia Trubitsina told Komsomolskaya Pravda newspaper.

“When they saw the men, they scattered in different directions, taking pieces of their kill away with them.”

Mikhail Tiyunov, a scientist in the region, said it was the first he had ever heard of such an attack.

While squirrels without sources of protein might attack birds’ nests, he said, the idea of them chewing a dog to death was “absurd”.

“If it really happened, things must be pretty bad in our forests,” he added.

Komosmolskaya Pravda notes that in a previous incident this autumn chipmunks terrorised cats in a part of the territory.

A Lazo man who called himself only Mikhalich said there had been “no pine cones at all” in the local forests this year.

“The little beasts are agitated because they have nothing to eat,” he added.

© BBC MMVIII

While the systematic overthrow of the northern hemisphere by black squirrels continues unabated, the US media focuses solely on Joe the (wannabe) Plumber. Is the media on black squirrel payroll?

What they don’t tell you is that Obama’s health care plan has no provisions whatsoever for a black squirrel attack. As a matter of fact, if you were to seek treatment for such an attack while under an Obama health plan coverage, your insurance company would not take you seriously. This is exactly the kind of blind eye that we’ve come to expect from this candidate.

McCain-approved health care plans would, indeed, pay for the hospital bills associated with a squirrel attack, and also up to four years of related PTSD visits. McCain himself has received extensive martial training to protect himself and his family in the case of an attack. The fact is, John McCain is the only candidate certified to handle a Russian black squirrel attack physically, emotionally, and economically.

Unless you count Chuck Baldwin.